Continual Improvement

I’ve seen more growth in myself this past month than I saw all last year.

It’s a bold statement to make, of that I am quite well aware. However, the results of some extensive woolgathering in preparation for writing this column have shown me that it’s not only a fair assessment, but a point of fact. Professionally, the concept “continual improvement” means that while there may not be visible improvement each and every day of a project, when you step back to examine the overall progress, you see that improvement has indeed been achieved. It was an amazing realization to see that my life had become like a project I had managed and I could see concrete continual improvement. The act of embracing being more constructive in how I live has assisted me in gaining a leap in spirit. The key seems to have been a lot of soul searching for what I want mixed with just a little bit of self-discipline and even more forgiveness.

Yes, I said that word. Forgiveness.

I was doing the self-flagellation thing again, and admitted to a friend that the one word in 2008 that I did not master was a word I purposely did not choose for 2009. The ability to be forgiving of myself was too hard and I had felt that choosing it again would only set myself up for feelings of failure. What I didn’t quite realize, however, is that in a part of the desire to live in a constructive manner, I would have to embrace the act of forgiveness as a part of that. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t made mistakes, as those are as natural as breathing. What it does mean is that when I go to bed each night, I have begun to set my spirit apart from my mistakes. The growing ability to forgive myself is allowing my soul respite when I move from waking to slumber. For the first time in several years, I am getting good and solid sleep each and every night.

One of my other focuses for 2009 is to “retain my spunk”. When I was defining concepts into words as I wrote my January column, I had been playing with words that spoke to my passion for living life. The word “spunk” was a word stuck with me as a representation to embrace the authentic me. The past month, I have been blessed with the time explore my childhood hometown. Standing on the banks of the creek that winds its way into the woods where I played as a child has been incredibly healing and my soul has found a level of comfort that has not been felt in more than twenty years. I am remembering that life has as its bonus the ability to play and the opportunity to explore our imaginations. For me, that is how my spunk has become manifest. I am writing pieces of fiction and poetry that have been beyond the reach of my imagination since I was that child playing in the woods.

There are some sacred relationships in a woman’s life. One of the most sacred is the relationship between a woman and her hairdresser. Mine told me that she had never seen me looking better rested or happier. That comment showed me that the growth I had made was shining to the outside as well as the inside. That, my friends, is nothing short of a beautiful gift.

What’s In Your Heart

February is the time of hearts. We see it in the grocery stores and on commercials “Give your “heart” for Valentine’s Day. For the romantics, Valentines Day is a time of flowers and romance and for the cynics, it is a red and pink hallmark holiday. Women, as early as junior high, seem to find failings with their lives if they don’t have someone to call their “Valentine” come February 14th. (Maybe men do as well, I don’t know since I’m not a guy).

Personally? I think it’s a lot of pressure on yourself, to buy into the concept that you are not enough. I am always amazed at those who give their all to a relationship with others, trying to win the Mom of the Year award or Best Wife award, yet never really know the deep down desires of the one person involved in every single one of your relationships: yourself. Oh, I too, am guilty of that in my not so distant past. I spent many years putting all my efforts into being what someone else wanted me to be that I didn’t have the time – nor the courage – to dig into my own heart to discover what it was I really wanted. When you are told that nothing you do is good enough, you question your want of a latte in the morning, let alone answering the question of what do I want out of my life as a whole. The relationship with yourself maybe the most complex one you will ever have, but YOU, my dear, are worth it.

I won’t lie and tell you that it’s easy.

Nothing that is truly worthwhile comes easily. And it’s a relationship, which takes work. And, as with every relationship, there may be a few tears that go along with the laughter. Both are important – the tears and the laughter – as they each possess an amazing restorative power.

I won’t lie and tell you that it will be a magic wand and your life will change overnight.

There is no instant fix to anything in this life. Well, there is duct tape and WD40 for some things in our lives, but not in this case. I can’t tell you every exact step it will take. I can only share with you what I’ve done (thus far) on my journey to discovering what I want out of life. Just because it’s not the New Year doesn’t mean that you can’t start today on the discovery to what you truly want. It’s not a “resolution” about being a better person, it’s about finding your passion in life. You can start it any day you want.

The process of discovering what it is you want out of life – out of yourself – takes time. You have to root around in your heart to find your passions, your soul to discover what passions really are uplifting, and your mind to examine the muddle through the possibilities. Once your heart, soul and mind have weighed in, don’t rule out your gut. Eventually, you will learn that your gut is helping show you the difference between external expectations and what is truly your desire, unadulterated.

I won’t lie and tell you that you will never want a significant other.

Companionship is a bonus. Having someone to love – someone that loves you right back – is something that is worth dreaming about. Now imagine how much better any other relationship will be, because the best you that can be found is a part of it.

I also won’t lie to you and tell you that it’s not rewarding.

One day, the light bulb will go off above your little head and not only will you know what you want, you will realize you are actively pursuing it. The light bulb moment came for me just recently, during the middle of an ordinary conversation with one of my best friends. We were talking about my personal life and I was telling her how my gut was telling me that something was the right fit although it was completely outside my norm, and she said to me “Maybe you finally love yourself enough to allow it.” And there it was, all bright and shiny above my head: the light bulb!

In thinking about the past few months, I realize that I wake up each morning with a good idea of who I am and a feeling of contentment. But I will say that just because I have had that light bulb moment, it isn’t time to stop. I’m not satisfied to just let things stay exactly as they are. I want more. I have proven to myself that I matter, that I am enough, and that anything I really want in life is a possibility.

One of the words I chose for 2009 is “heart” and the commitment to myself that I will remember to follow my heart. My wish for you this Valentine’s Day is that you find room in your heart to find what you want and most of all, find room in your heart to love a very important person – and that is yourself.

Following My Heart, Retaining My Spunk, and Being Constructive

It’s been years since I have been a regular church-goer. It isn’t that I don’t have faith; it’s honestly that I have discovered that I don’t need to be IN a church to find my God. On occasion, however, I do find comfort and peace in attending Mass at a Catholic Church.

No, this is not going to be a religious piece of rhetoric, but it’s good to know this background of information to understand how the light bulb went off in my head in recent weeks.

I was driving home from the gym, feeling all kinds of fabulous, and I began to wonder why it was I hadn’t been in so long. Once I get there and get started, I feel absolutely amazing, so why is it such a struggle to make myself go? As I was mulling this over, it hit me as a piece of the Mass came to me: a public confession when we ask for forgiveness and say the words “what I have done and what I have failed to do”. I realized that though I didn’t purposely live a life filled with self-destructive tendencies, I was, to be honest, being quite self-destructive in what I was “failing to do” for myself. Not only do I skip going to the gym, but I hate to cook for just myself and I sometimes I forget to take my blood pressure medication. It was in that moment when I realized what one of my words needed to be in 2009: Constructive.

Constructive encompasses all areas of my life, not just my physical health. Is the current contract I’m working on constructive for my career? Is the man I am dating a constructive relationship? Are the choices I am making – or not making – constructive to the overall quality of my life? I don’t want to live passively. Constructive will encourage me to live dynamically.

And because three words worked very well for me in the journey of my life in 2008, I felt that to continue on this journey of a life lived with intent, that three words was indeed the way for me to go in 2009. Besides, I have ADD tendencies and one word would find me bored and off task because of the monotony of it all.

I am here to tell you that following my passion and living with courage this past year were the keys to me taking some chances and finding my inspiration. Passion, especially, will never not be a part of my existence. In addition to passion, though, I find that I have good instincts (at least when it comes to my business life), so keeping on the forefront of my mind to remember to follow my heart. Remembering my heart is certainly a way of being true to my soul, isn’t it?

But then, there is my tendency to become withdrawn and reclusive at times. Though I made decisions with courage in mind, there are always moments when I allow the fear to creep in. 2009 will be the year that I make a concerted focus of stepping away from fears and taking a chance. It was there that my third word for 2009 came to me, and that is spunk. If I keep the spunky part of myself in the foreground instead of the background, then getting past my fears, encourage me to take all the potential of the world and the lessons I learn, and head out into the world with a greater degree of assurances.

What about you? Do you have words to live by in 2009? Special goals or areas of focus for you life? Please, share with us. As for me, I hope you continue to stick with me to follow through this journey of my life as we experience 2009. I promise to update you on the songs in my heart, the thrill of taking risks as I retain my spunk, and the rewards of being constructive.

Three Little Words: A Status Report

As the close of 2008 approaches, I am beginning to look back at the progression of my life as well as look forward as to what I want to accomplish in 2009. Every fiber of my being believes that the words I chose this year to guide me was one of the most positive things I have ever done for myself. In moments of stress, I have only had to take a deep breath and go back to those guiding principals: Passion, Courage and Forgiveness. Since I’ve shared so much of my life through the digital pages of All Things Girl, I wanted to close out the year by talking about these words with you here – and how the choice of these words have truly enhanced the overall quality of not only my long term plans, but the joy I find in my day to day life.

“Passion is an amazing gift to give yourself.”

The person who hired me on my current project jokingly calls me “Polly” (after the classic Porter character Pollyanna). On average, no matter how rotten my day has been, I try to start the next day fresh. This hasn’t always been the case for me. I truly believe that keeping the word “passion” in the forefront of my brain has led me to continue to love the work that I do, which in turn leads me to overall finding something joyful about each day. I guess, for me, it’s easy to start fresh each morning when I can find something in the day to be passionate about. Passion is an amazing gift to give yourself.

My other two words, if you don’t remember, are courage and forgiveness. I put these together because as I realized last December, they go hand and hand. I can say that without a doubt, both courage and forgiveness have providing their gentle guiding influences. No matter how gentle the guiding, though, I’m struggling with forgiveness of myself. It isn’t that I’ve committed heinous acts that require self-flagellation, however, I do still tend to be incredibly hard on myself while being forgiving of others – but the judging is, at least, less harsh. Maybe it’s that Pollyannaish attitude of starting fresh and finding something positive each day. Or maybe it’s because I am embracing “courage” as I deal with the challenges that life has to offer. Dealing with oneself, by the way, can be one of the most challenging relationships we have. Actually dealing with oneself instead of floating through life without purpose is certainly rewarding.

But I digress as I was thinking about the acts of courage I have performed this year. I have expanded my business, explored new business opportunities, made new friends, embraced old friends, networked with strangers, and more. Courage has been present in not only my business world, by the way, but in my personal life as well. Besides the new friends I have been blessed with, there are also some relationships that were growing stale. I even said these words to a dear man-friend of mine as I we had been discussing why I had finally reached my limits on the status of our four-year relationship: “Passion and courage are two of my words this year. It took a lot of both for me to be this honest with you (about how I feel.) I love you. But I love me more.” The guilt is still there, by the way, for daring to be that selfish, but I’ve already begun to forgive myself for allowing the relationship to get to that point. That, my friends, is truly something in the ways of finding peace.

I can say that I do get up each morning happily embrace each day. Life is about passion. Forgiveness is a good friend to have. And courage will lead you into places you never dreamed about. I haven’t yet decided what I will choose in 2009 to guide me, but I know that choosing positive guidance is truly the best way to roll, at least for me. (Your mileage may vary. Taxes not included….)

(Photo: Lorissa Shepstone)

Outside In

One of the quotes on my vision board is “Do Something that Scares You,” so last month I did just that. I invested money into the branding of my business and gave a fresh face to the on-line projects that are important to me.

I had professional portraits made.

In the age of digital cameras and the accompanying instant gratification of snapping a photo that can be shared moments later with friends around the world, I chose to take a slower route: I spent time in a real photo studio with a professional photographer. I love casual photos – truly – but I am also a business woman who owns her own company. In recent months, I have come to realize that the image I portray to my clients (or potential clients) is a direct reflection of the success of my business. Though I don’t currently display my photo on my professional site, it doesn’t mean that a Google search of my name doesn’t turn up photos at All Things Girl or on social networking sites. While I love the various photos I use in those places, most of them are casual shots, cropped from other pictures, often of times when I was out with friends. The business part of my world is all about being polished and professional while keeping alive the vibrant, fun, and passionate sides of my personality.

With the help of both research and recommendations, I chose DC-based Julie Woodford as my photographer and she, in turn, helped me find Riley Knoxx to assist me with make-up for my photo shoot. (Though I am comfortable doing my own make-up, I knew that I didn’t have the skill to apply make-up that would stand up to studio lights.) Two hours of studio time and four wardrobe changes led to more than 500 photos. Fortunately, Julie’s assistant narrowed the finished photos down to fewer than 60, and my job was to narrow that down further, to a total of 20 or 30 that would then be edited. Thank goodness for my friends, who volunteered to look at them!

Overall, I was very pleased. The photos were good. Looking at them was harder than I expected, though. Some of the photos didn’t seem to look like me and others seemed to show me in a much better light than I saw myself. I had trouble deciding. I asked the photographer for her thoughts and shared my indecision. She is very wise, and said to me, “I understand the psychology of looking at one’s own photo. It is a strange reflection upon oneself and it’s very common for a lot of people to not accept themselves in a photo even though I or others may love it.” Her words were the push I needed to finally jump in and make my final selection.

The whole experience – and the resulting zip file of 20 hi-res photos of myself – made me think about where I was in my life. If the photos were to be a representation of me as a business woman as well as me as a writer, how did I want others to see me? More importantly, I realized, how do I see myself? I made the investment for the outside world, but by looking at myself from that outside-in view, I gained additional perspective.

How do I see myself? Professionally, I am very content, though I know there is still growth potential in my business. Personally, I feel that there are areas of my life which can be improved upon.

I’ve always believed that if we want to change something about ourselves badly enough, it is completely possible. Of course, there are areas of my life I’d love to improve upon, but there are also core pieces of myself that I have no desire to change. I don’t want to lose my zest for life or the passionate part of my personality. I love that I wake up most mornings willing to start fresh and put the previous day behind me. I want to learn from all my experiences, but never let the harder lessons jade me into believing the worst of others.

I do feel that I have made strides in my journey, one that has been chronicled here for the last four years. I’ve learned to ask myself important questions: Can the experience and the outcome of investing in myself assist me in this journey? Will they guide me toward a better understanding of who I am and what I want?

I look at the photos and I wonder if I know the woman gazing back at me or if I have only scratched the surface of who she is.

(Photo by Julie Woodford)

Living My Passion, Finding My Courage, and Searching for Forgiveness

I swore to myself that I would not allow another issue of ATG to publishing without my column. But here I sit on June 29th at a lovely outside café enjoying a little Thai food (please forgive the lemon sauce) while the eighth or ninth draft of my July column winds its way from my head onto the paper. Each draft has had a bit of a different feel to it, as I’ve learned that (at least in this space) I do better to write a semi-complete piece at one sitting. I am a logical thinker but an emotional writer. And while I feel, at times, it brings a reader closer to what I am trying to say, it worries me that I may never complete any of the (several) novels that reside within the circuits of my computer. Just last night, I was looking at novel that has spoken the loudest to me over the last year, and even though I’m more than 60,000 words into it, it needs a lot of work.

It’s been ages since I’ve written (whined) about writers block, but yet, it’s a subject that has been haunting me for the last couple of months. I had planned to take a solid week to hide away at a friends’ cabin in a remote location with little cell phone access, but, instead, I attended meetings and signed a new contract. It was so appropriate, at least to me, that the ATG issue that was being worked on that evening was “Sacrifice”. Once again, I had sacrificed my desire to be a writer with the logic of putting my business first. If I had it to do again, I would choose my business.

I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am passionate about my business. My job, in all honesty, involves the daily use of words and more importantly, it involves the putting together puzzle pieces in an environment where folks are needing my help to do so. The ability to make my living doing something I truly love is priceless.

In this eighth (or is it ninth) draft of my column, I looked back to January, when I wrote about not choosing a resolution this year, but choosing three words to live by. I can say that, without a doubt, I am keeping the word “passion” at the forefront of each of my days. Though I may be suffering from writer’s block where my creative writing is concerned, when it comes to following my intent for my life that I laid out about nine months ago, I am on target. I am doing something I love. I am making choices for my career that have required that I call upon the courage that is deep inside of me, even though I have gotten a bit of grief from some of my friends and family.

Of my three words I chose as my guiding principals for 2008, I am doing well with two out of three (passion and courage), but I still struggle on a regular basis with the third, that being forgiveness. I don’t know how to not be so hard on myself. At times, I feel it’s very necessary. I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the desire for doing better without being too self-critical. I can tell you, though, that if I continue to work in my areas of courage, I think I will get to a space that is at least better. I didn’t choose what was easy, by the way, when I chose my three words for 2008, but what was right for me in my growth as a person.

My gut feel is that some of my writer’s block has been due to being afraid if my writing is good enough or worrying what people will think when they read what I have written. Like everything, it will come with time if I nurture the courage that is there inside myself and stop flagellating myself for my inability to get it down on paper. Maybe, like Breena Clarke said in our interview, I’m just in my woolgathering phase.

I turned forty in May and though I’m not old, I’m certainly older. I have seen changes in myself in the last decade and while the thirties were good to me, I have a gut feeling that my forties are going to be fabulous. We do grow wiser as we grow older and I have learned that the more I follow my heart in how I make my living, the more courageous I become. Forgiving myself for my own shortcomings will follow along if I allow it the space to grow.

How Deb (is getting) Her Groove Back

It tends to come and go at moments when I least expect it….at moments when it is quiet around me – and I am alone driving…..or in the middle of a crowd queuing up to gain entry to some place I must go to. It’s emotional in many ways…and I feel like a child who can’t control her impulsive urges….and it’s animalistic in some ways….coursing through the length of my body….exiting usually through the tips of my fingers as I send off a frantic text message – or dial a familiar number.

It’s the overwhelming desire to simply run away.

Back in November, I thought I could run away to someone and it would make it all better. In my unbalanced, crazy life, I decided that I was needing physical comfort and turned to an old friend (the frantic text messages). My mind told me that if I could just escape for twenty-four hours, it would all be ok. I needed to share some laughter…. satisfy the longing for moments of pleasure….and experience the inexplicable feeling of safety as his arm became a weight across my waist and fingers curled around a breast. I thought I needed the soft sounds of light snores and his breathing as I begin to drift to sleep in order to calm the panic. We finagled schedules to close the 800 miles between us on two separate occasions that month…but after these base desires had been fulfilled, I came to realize I was needing something beyond the wants of physical comfort another person could provide to me.

…but after these base desires had been fulfilled, I came to realize I was needing something beyond the wants of physical comfort another person could provide to me.

Though I tried to deny it, I was continuing to have these tiny panic attacks that were sending me to flight mode. They would come upon me quickly…my palms would sweat…my breathing would suddenly become caught in my throat….and my heart would pound. Being the control freak that I have become over the last few years since my divorce, I would force the feelings away and go about whatever it was I was doing before it started. Needing to keep the illusion of control in place, I shielded my writings from these thoughts and only confided in Lee.

Maybe if I didn’t write about it or talk about it much, it would go away.

When I was home, I would go into my office and gaze at my vision board and refocus my mind a bit. I worked my way through the holidays, faced a new year with renewed sense of focus, and allowed the moments of panic – my desire to run – to be further soothed by reminding myself that I had the courage within me to make it through….and I would find it possible to forgive myself for my perceived weaknesses.

However, I was forgetting my other word for 2008: Passion. I should be working to live, not living to work.

My life is constantly moving. I am compelled to live my life at 100 miles per hour and I am happiest when I fill my time with work and words. I love my work, but have realized in the past week, that one particular person at work is toxic and always finds a way to make me feel terrible about myself. I realized that I had stumbled into a situation that made me feel like I did when I was married: that nothing I did was ever good enough. I had been unable to escape that feeling, and putting two-and-two together, it came to me that I wasn’t going to be able to truly get control of the panic attacks and the desire to flee until I pulled my proverbial shit together.

But in order to do that, I needed the time and space to think clearly: to wander a few hours without the pressure of having to be at location x by time y. I had been unable to think at night after work, as I had been too stressed. When I was home, I became lost in the activities of need such as laundry and grocery shopping. Part of the instinct to flee was because deep down, my soul knew that I needed to put myself in an environment where I felt safe, felt no pressure of time, and find pleasure in the simple tasks of breathing and walking.

I called Lee on a Thursday afternoon, once again in tears. I was watching myself self-destruct and that morning, had been unable to control the panic. I told her that I was going to fix this. A few weeks previously, I had escaped to Richmond VA and in the next week had scheduled a trip to the Caribbean to spend a few days on the beach. I knew, however, that in order to be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the smell of the ocean , I needed to stop panicking and act. I hopped on American Airlines website, shopped last minute packages, and less than twenty-four hours later was on a Friday morning flight to Washington DC: I was running away from home.

En flight, I read a book, sipped on coffee and didn’t allow the cranky passenger next to me to detract from my feelings of calm. Besides, karma being what it is, the universe made itself loud and clear: the karmic payback for knocking a little girl off balance, yelling at me for trying to assist him, and rude behavior towards the flight attendant was the spilling of an entire cup of coffee on his khaki colored pants. I wasn’t the only one who smiled to myself, by the way. The couple behind me mentioned it as they, too, had been concerned over his combative attitude and rude behaviors.

As I settled into the living room larger than my office, i was shown twice that day that the karma I believe in does exist within the world.

When I landed, I retrieved my luggage and headed out to a favorite hotel. It had been a regular source of bed and breakfast over many trips to DC over the last two years. When I stepped into the lobby, the front desk manager ran from behind the counter, kissed me on both cheeks, and embraced me. My favorite shuttle driver dropped the mail in his hands in order to grasp my hands, shake them and tell me how happy he was to see me. I told them I had missed them – and had missed DC – and had decided to run away from home for the weekend. Within moments, I found myself upgraded to the Presidential Suite….and told to enjoy my weekend. I began to feel a weight lifted from my heart as I settled into my room. I spend so much of my time tending to the needs of others that I had neglected many of my own needs. The kindness I was being showed reminded me that the small things I have done over the past two years did matter to others. It is nothing to speak kindly, bestow smiles, or profess thanks for held doors and rides to the metro station. These acts of simple courtesy were appreciated. As I settled into the living room larger than my office, i was shown twice that day that the karma I believe in does exist within the world.

I exited the hotel. It was 11 AM and I had no plans until 7 PM. It was amazing to feel the sun on my face and I relished the cool wind blowing the curls of my hair around my neck as it snaked underneath the hat I had thrust upon my head. I breathed in the beautiful monuments to the founding fathers as I gazed upon the obelisk that is the Washington Monument as well as the beautiful columns of the Lincoln Memorial. I bowed my head in silent prayer as I placed flowers on a grave at Arlington National Cemetery. I grabbed a cab and had a late lunch of the best burger and fries in the world (5 Guys) and then walked the ten blocks to the metro station, bought a ticket and hopped on the train. Then, I window shopped at the Pentagon City Mall.

I had decided to meet a friend for drinks that evening, and as we sat and chatted, he looked at me and said: “something is different about you tonight.” I laughed and told him I didn’t know what it was, but I felt marvelous. He said “I know what it is.” he paused. I leaned forward to await his next words. “You’re glowing. And you are relaxed. I haven’t seen you this relaxed since sometime this past summer.”

It was then that it really hit me: I needed to follow my instincts and remember the things I am passionate about. Beyond words and work, I am passionate about people and traveling. Of all the 300-plus flights I have been on over the last three years….my favorite destination has always been Washington DC. Something about this historic city… the many memorials to those who have come before us…. brings me to the roots of the freedoms that I am afforded by being a citizen of the United States. Though I have never been able to pinpoint the reason, something about visiting this wonderful place centers my soul.

I fought against the demons of fear as I struggled over the writing of this piece here for All Things Girl. It is hard to admit to anyone the panic, the desire to run, the feelings of inadequacy, the fact that want and needs are often very different. I want to be seen as strong and independent and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But I am also reminded that through struggles, we find ways to improve the lives that we are living….and that we learn from the way others overcome and persevere. If I can help one person realize that they are not the only ones who have these moments of funk, then it is worth any embarrassment I have for being so bluntly honest.

A very wise woman who once lived in Washington DC for many years (First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt) said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I would never wish to make another feel inferior and I know that though I am not always responsible for how I am treated, I am responsible for how I react to any treatment. Love and kindness far outweigh stress. What you put out into the world truly does come back to you tenfold. It is what makes one small face memorable in a crowd of strangers.

I can’t promise that I will never again face a panic attack, but at least now I’ve come out of it and gone a full three days without a single one. I haven’t made a tearful phone call and I haven’t sent any frantic texts. It isn’t the full solution, however,it’s a beginning.

So that, my dear, is how Deb is beginning to get her groove back.

Lenten Musings

For Christians, Easter is early this year: March 23rd. I rarely talk religion …but the season of Lent is on my mind. Lent is the time when Catholics are penitent and traditionally forgo something pleasurable…as a reminder of suffering…and self-discipline.

First of all, I’ve never quite understood how the date of Easter is chosen. It’s one of those mysteries in my mind that no matter how many times is explained, I just don’t get it – so I’ve long given up trying to master the calculation. No matter how it’s derived, Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, which is February 6th. Until I was planning a trip to New Orleans for business, I didn’t really realize that it was so soon. It boggles the mind, here are all these poor souls….struggling to keep their New Year’s Resolutions…and then they will be needing to give up something for Lent. Will they spend the first five days of February gorging on chocolate to make up for the lost time in January….before they stop having sweets as their Lenten sacrifice?

Part of my mantra for 2008 has not been about improving myself by losing weight or some silly resolution that I won’t keep, but about living a life that is authentic and fulfilling. It’s hard, at times, to take positive reinforcements and apply them to myself instead of the overly critical negative thinking that for some reason comes so easily. Those that know me well can see some of my true progress due to choices and decisions I am making. I am the first to admit, however, that it is extremely hard…but worth it….to break the cycle of self-criticism.

Lent seems to be everywhere around me, though…and my instincts are asking me what I’m going to sacrifice this year. Even though I’m not a regular attendee of Mass, the Rites of the Catholic Church…still speak to me…and part of the reason I converted to Catholicism 17 years ago. Granted, I’ve become more spiritual than religious over the last couple of years, but it doesn’t mean that some underlying parts of faith don’t beckon to me at times.

When it boils down to it, my three words of passion, forgiveness, and courage are present with me every single moment. I am wanting to accomplish some pretty high goals in the next couple of years…and the wheels are in motion to reach some of those this year. I have been blessed with a loving guiding spirit and I am discovering that my heart and my soul are more valuable than I ever would have dreamed.

And if I truly want to achieve my dreams, then being true to my passion is critical.

I have this plaque in my office: “passion propels your dreams”. And if I truly want to achieve my dreams, then being true to my passion is critical. My passion is about the written word…about learning about people and places….and about providing some sort of help to those I come in contact with – either face to face or virtually. I am also discovering that there is a passion in learning more about who I really am….and creating the kind of life I want to live.

But I digress.

My heart is telling me that I’m being drawn to the upcoming Lenten Season not for the sacrifice of something, but for the culmination of the season. Easter is about re-birth and forgiveness. And forgiveness is one of those guiding words I’ve embraced this year. And in a way, I am also embracing a re-birth of myself by my deliberate efforts towards living a more fulfilled life.

I am a true believer that life is more about the journey than the destination. However, there are stops along our journeys…and we find that in order to allow our souls to feel a sense of accomplishment, we sometimes need a small destination here or there…to allow our souls a moment of pause. Sometimes, it’s a place, sometimes it’s an action, and sometimes, it’s a time.

Instead of resisting…and sacrificing….I’m going to embrace the six weeks of Lent. My soul seems to be telling me that it’s simply a part of the journey this year…and maybe it’s time to have a bit of a respite….

(Photo Credit: Deb Smouse)

Three Little Words

It’s January and the beginning of a new year once again. There is something about the New Year that drives us to look at our lives – both personally and professionally – and then create resolutions to help us meet new goals. So many people (including me in the past) have made vows of improvement…vows that are soon abandoned. Typically, our resolutions are about fixing what is “wrong” with us….and hoping that if we just fix the broken parts, then everything will fall into place.

When I really think about it in those terms, that’s an awfully negative way to create improvement – by focusing on how you have failed. You see, it isn’t that any of us are broken. Broken brings to mind shattered dishes and chipped figurines…and we fix them with glue and permanent markers. Broken things may be repaired, but are never really whole. Why would we put our lovely little souls in the light of needing repair? Is that truly the way to improve our lives?

“I don’t want to live my life focusing on what is wrong with me. I don’t want to wallow around in the failures and the fears and hope that things will suddenly get better.”

I don’t want to live my life focusing on what is wrong with me. I don’t want to wallow around in the failures and the fears and hope that things will suddenly get better. I’d much rather make steps towards being more fulfilled by letting go of the negativity rather than use the negativity as a motivator. What’s the old Southern saying: “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”?

So, what is it I’m going to do? Well, I touched on it briefly on Thanksgiving and that is I want to lead a more conscious and fulfilled life. The creation of a “Vision Board” and the use of a “Gratitude Journal” are positive tools I am turning to…not negative ones that point out my flaws. I am going to approach the issue of New Year’s Resolutions in as much the same manner as I approached the Vision Board, and that’s with the advice of a life coach, Christine Kane. In a search of Christine’s blog on resolutions, I found “You Say You Want a Resolution“.

Instead of making a resolution, you have a word to inspire you…something to focus on. I really like that approach: something to bring positive reinforcement rather than a big old bottle of super glue.

“I want the moments of my life to be done with intent and my time spent on things that mean something to me. “

If I am to choose one word, the first word that came to mind was Passion.

I want the moments of my life to be done with intent and my time spent on things that mean something to me. What is the point of continuing to muddle through my days…spending time just….passing time….when I could be spending that time on things that mean something? I tell you, it certainly puts into perspective a couple of recent days when I didn’t get dressed and spent my time mindlessly watching TV. Where is the passion in that? (Well, except for a new episode of Saving Grace or Grey’s Anatomy.) Just because I haven’t been conscious every moment of living my life with passion doesn’t mean that it doesn’t peak through. It’s time to think upon my life with the intent of being passionate about what I do.

Now, Christine’s post encouraged focusing on one word, but knowing the human nature of over achievers, she knew that folks (like me) would want to accomplish more. She set a boundary of no more than three words. (Another alternative was to master your word…make it a part of your being…and then choosing a new word mid-year).

I’m not satisfied with “passion” being my only focus. I have a lot of passion in the way I go about my life, but there is something else that is too much in the mix that is tripping me up. So, I am choosing two more words to guide me in 2008: Forgiveness and Courage.

I have an advantage in that the recordings of my ups and downs are digitally in my face….randomly in a variety of blogs since 1998…and consistently in my the columns I have written for All Things Girl since July 2004. It allows me the ability to see where I have been in my head and to be honest, a lot of the brainstorming it takes to flesh out goals and plans of attack are right there in black and white. Reading my own words is helping to guide me to what I need beyond a passion in 2008.

I am choosing forgiveness because I see that more times than not, I am critical and judgmental. Oh, not of other people. It’s with myself. I live my life by the laws of karma where others are concerned, but don’t treat myself with that same kindness. I don’t think I will ever have a truly peaceful soul until I can forgive myself with the same open-heartedness.

Courage, I feel, is the seat mate of forgiveness. In recent months, I have realized that fear is paralyzing me in many ways. I fear my writing isn’t good enough, so I give into the demon of writer’s block. I fear that another marriage would end in failure, and often keep men in my life at arms length. I fear that if I love a man unconditionally, he will take that love and hurt me. I fear what other people think at times, so I withdraw from friends and family and place myself in a little cocoon. I fear the demons of depression, yet I don’t take the necessary steps to reduce some stressors in my life. And I fall out of the habits that keep stress and depression at bay – like regular exercise and getting a little sunshine on my face each day. So I ask myself, how the hell am I going to actually live life if I choose to continue living in fear?

“..this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt stands out: “Do something that scares you every day”.”

Have I ever mentioned what a bitch it is to do this kind of soul work? It’s painful to dig into the nitty gritty of my past….and figure out the why’s of my actions (and inactions). Probably, recognizing my fear has been one of the biggest discoveries in recent months. In looking back at my Vision Board, this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt stands out: “Do something that scares you every day”.

In using the act of forgiving myself as I do others, I will need to use courage as a guide….

I am blessed in so many ways. The flaws in my character are character builders and without those flaws, I’d be pretty damned boring. I’m not broken. I only need a little positive guidance to remind myself how blessed I am…how clear my karma is….and how beautiful each and every soul is: including mine.

I truly am an optimist at heart and…know that we are all works in progress. I’m the impatient kind and want my progress to be a little faster. I feel that three little words will make my 2008 a milestone year. I hope that my little confession encourages you to find your word or three for 2008 (be sure and leave a comment if you do!). By the way, if you can’t find a word, I’m willing to share mine.

I think we can all live with a little more passion, a lot more forgiveness, and big splashes of courage.

(Photo Credit: Lorissa Shepstone)

A Room of One’s Own

Sometime in 1997, when I first hooked up a computer to the “world wide web”, our dining room was converted to a family computer work space. The dining room became more of an office space in 1998, but it wasn’t until 2004 that I completely made the space “mom only” space. But as any other mom knows, rarely does “mom only” space stay “mom only space. My monitor was bigger – or my processor faster – or someone wanted the scanner. You know how it goes. When I finally purchased a laptop in 2006, I semi abandoned the space. With a heavy travel schedule, and the ease of working in the living room – or my bedroom – it didn’t seem to matter. I could work anywhere at anytime.

The harsh reality of this hit me, though towards the end of June. I was working on items for my largest client – and working on the launch of the “Dreams & Realities” issue of All Things Girl. The morning I woke up and my laptop was on the pillow next to me was the day I realized that I needed to reclaim some real office space in my home.

“The morning I woke up and my laptop was on the pillow next to me was the day I realized that I needed to reclaim some real office space in my home.”

The space in the dining room was no longer suitable even though it housed all my technical books and desktop computer. My oldest had moved into our spare room, so the logical solution was to turn our spare bedroom into an office. Honestly, I had been planning to do it for months, but just…hadn’t done it.

I was tempted to just clear out the room, set up a new desk and live with what was there, but the daisy and ladybug wallpaper border, the dirty walls, and the stained carpet were kind of depressing me. I know that environment can affect people, and when I worked outside in an office, I always wanted the space of those people who reported to me to be pleasant, so I bit the bullet and dug in. With the help of a friend, the room was turned from bright and dirty kid space to muted and inspiring adult space. The white walls became gold. The red and yellow wallpaper became black, green and brown. The bright white switch plates became antique bronze to match the hardware on my desk as well as the wallpaper. The final piece was to replace the grey Berber carpet – with some sort of strange spots that had been hidden under where the bed had been – to a plush beige carpeting.

Then I created a clean and meaningful feel to the room. I put up a few photos…inspirational quotes….and favorite mementos. My bookshelves contain favorite books, my reference books, and all those writing filled notebooks.

According to Virginia Wolfe, in order for women to have the ability to be open to their creativity, they needed two things: A Room of Their Own – and financial independence.

While I can see how financial independence can be a blessing, I certainly don’t see how it’s practical. It makes me wonder, honestly, how much passion you can have if you have the leisure to write. Some of the best selling authors of our current times have written because of the sheer passion (JK Rowling for example). But Space? Oh, Virginia, darling…I’m right there with you….

I personally believe that having space of your very own can be a critical piece to the creative soul. No matter how chaotic my house or life becomes, I am discovering that spending an hour of quiet in my office is like a trip to the spa. My other family members (including the dog) seem to think so as well because I find them wandering into my office for moments here and there. Even a guy friend of mine stood just looking at my office recently and complimented me on the space – telling me he wished he had something like it at his house.

One of the mistakes I’ve made is that I never allowed myself personal space anywhere within my home. For ages, I kept a spare room filled with boxes and things I didn’t need rather than go through the painful process of tossing and clearing the room to create some space. Biting the bullet and giving myself this office was a step I needed to begin to figure out what I want in my life. In the five months since my office has been completed, I’ve made more progress than I had in the last year. Why? I was allowing myself the room I needed in order to think.

I think that it is so hard for any of us to find the quiet space in our heads, especially as we become busier in our lives…and try to squeeze more tasks into each day. Women need sanctuary within their homes in order to think….dream…..to not only reach goals they are setting for their lives, but actually be able to make those goals.

(Photo: Deb Smouse)