Continual Improvement

I’ve seen more growth in myself this past month than I saw all last year.

It’s a bold statement to make, of that I am quite well aware. However, the results of some extensive woolgathering in preparation for writing this column have shown me that it’s not only a fair assessment, but a point of fact. Professionally, the concept “continual improvement” means that while there may not be visible improvement each and every day of a project, when you step back to examine the overall progress, you see that improvement has indeed been achieved. It was an amazing realization to see that my life had become like a project I had managed and I could see concrete continual improvement. The act of embracing being more constructive in how I live has assisted me in gaining a leap in spirit. The key seems to have been a lot of soul searching for what I want mixed with just a little bit of self-discipline and even more forgiveness.

Yes, I said that word. Forgiveness.

I was doing the self-flagellation thing again, and admitted to a friend that the one word in 2008 that I did not master was a word I purposely did not choose for 2009. The ability to be forgiving of myself was too hard and I had felt that choosing it again would only set myself up for feelings of failure. What I didn’t quite realize, however, is that in a part of the desire to live in a constructive manner, I would have to embrace the act of forgiveness as a part of that. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t made mistakes, as those are as natural as breathing. What it does mean is that when I go to bed each night, I have begun to set my spirit apart from my mistakes. The growing ability to forgive myself is allowing my soul respite when I move from waking to slumber. For the first time in several years, I am getting good and solid sleep each and every night.

One of my other focuses for 2009 is to “retain my spunk”. When I was defining concepts into words as I wrote my January column, I had been playing with words that spoke to my passion for living life. The word “spunk” was a word stuck with me as a representation to embrace the authentic me. The past month, I have been blessed with the time explore my childhood hometown. Standing on the banks of the creek that winds its way into the woods where I played as a child has been incredibly healing and my soul has found a level of comfort that has not been felt in more than twenty years. I am remembering that life has as its bonus the ability to play and the opportunity to explore our imaginations. For me, that is how my spunk has become manifest. I am writing pieces of fiction and poetry that have been beyond the reach of my imagination since I was that child playing in the woods.

There are some sacred relationships in a woman’s life. One of the most sacred is the relationship between a woman and her hairdresser. Mine told me that she had never seen me looking better rested or happier. That comment showed me that the growth I had made was shining to the outside as well as the inside. That, my friends, is nothing short of a beautiful gift.

What’s In Your Heart

February is the time of hearts. We see it in the grocery stores and on commercials “Give your “heart” for Valentine’s Day. For the romantics, Valentines Day is a time of flowers and romance and for the cynics, it is a red and pink hallmark holiday. Women, as early as junior high, seem to find failings with their lives if they don’t have someone to call their “Valentine” come February 14th. (Maybe men do as well, I don’t know since I’m not a guy).

Personally? I think it’s a lot of pressure on yourself, to buy into the concept that you are not enough. I am always amazed at those who give their all to a relationship with others, trying to win the Mom of the Year award or Best Wife award, yet never really know the deep down desires of the one person involved in every single one of your relationships: yourself. Oh, I too, am guilty of that in my not so distant past. I spent many years putting all my efforts into being what someone else wanted me to be that I didn’t have the time – nor the courage – to dig into my own heart to discover what it was I really wanted. When you are told that nothing you do is good enough, you question your want of a latte in the morning, let alone answering the question of what do I want out of my life as a whole. The relationship with yourself maybe the most complex one you will ever have, but YOU, my dear, are worth it.

I won’t lie and tell you that it’s easy.

Nothing that is truly worthwhile comes easily. And it’s a relationship, which takes work. And, as with every relationship, there may be a few tears that go along with the laughter. Both are important – the tears and the laughter – as they each possess an amazing restorative power.

I won’t lie and tell you that it will be a magic wand and your life will change overnight.

There is no instant fix to anything in this life. Well, there is duct tape and WD40 for some things in our lives, but not in this case. I can’t tell you every exact step it will take. I can only share with you what I’ve done (thus far) on my journey to discovering what I want out of life. Just because it’s not the New Year doesn’t mean that you can’t start today on the discovery to what you truly want. It’s not a “resolution” about being a better person, it’s about finding your passion in life. You can start it any day you want.

The process of discovering what it is you want out of life – out of yourself – takes time. You have to root around in your heart to find your passions, your soul to discover what passions really are uplifting, and your mind to examine the muddle through the possibilities. Once your heart, soul and mind have weighed in, don’t rule out your gut. Eventually, you will learn that your gut is helping show you the difference between external expectations and what is truly your desire, unadulterated.

I won’t lie and tell you that you will never want a significant other.

Companionship is a bonus. Having someone to love – someone that loves you right back – is something that is worth dreaming about. Now imagine how much better any other relationship will be, because the best you that can be found is a part of it.

I also won’t lie to you and tell you that it’s not rewarding.

One day, the light bulb will go off above your little head and not only will you know what you want, you will realize you are actively pursuing it. The light bulb moment came for me just recently, during the middle of an ordinary conversation with one of my best friends. We were talking about my personal life and I was telling her how my gut was telling me that something was the right fit although it was completely outside my norm, and she said to me “Maybe you finally love yourself enough to allow it.” And there it was, all bright and shiny above my head: the light bulb!

In thinking about the past few months, I realize that I wake up each morning with a good idea of who I am and a feeling of contentment. But I will say that just because I have had that light bulb moment, it isn’t time to stop. I’m not satisfied to just let things stay exactly as they are. I want more. I have proven to myself that I matter, that I am enough, and that anything I really want in life is a possibility.

One of the words I chose for 2009 is “heart” and the commitment to myself that I will remember to follow my heart. My wish for you this Valentine’s Day is that you find room in your heart to find what you want and most of all, find room in your heart to love a very important person – and that is yourself.

Following My Heart, Retaining My Spunk, and Being Constructive

It’s been years since I have been a regular church-goer. It isn’t that I don’t have faith; it’s honestly that I have discovered that I don’t need to be IN a church to find my God. On occasion, however, I do find comfort and peace in attending Mass at a Catholic Church.

No, this is not going to be a religious piece of rhetoric, but it’s good to know this background of information to understand how the light bulb went off in my head in recent weeks.

I was driving home from the gym, feeling all kinds of fabulous, and I began to wonder why it was I hadn’t been in so long. Once I get there and get started, I feel absolutely amazing, so why is it such a struggle to make myself go? As I was mulling this over, it hit me as a piece of the Mass came to me: a public confession when we ask for forgiveness and say the words “what I have done and what I have failed to do”. I realized that though I didn’t purposely live a life filled with self-destructive tendencies, I was, to be honest, being quite self-destructive in what I was “failing to do” for myself. Not only do I skip going to the gym, but I hate to cook for just myself and I sometimes I forget to take my blood pressure medication. It was in that moment when I realized what one of my words needed to be in 2009: Constructive.

Constructive encompasses all areas of my life, not just my physical health. Is the current contract I’m working on constructive for my career? Is the man I am dating a constructive relationship? Are the choices I am making – or not making – constructive to the overall quality of my life? I don’t want to live passively. Constructive will encourage me to live dynamically.

And because three words worked very well for me in the journey of my life in 2008, I felt that to continue on this journey of a life lived with intent, that three words was indeed the way for me to go in 2009. Besides, I have ADD tendencies and one word would find me bored and off task because of the monotony of it all.

I am here to tell you that following my passion and living with courage this past year were the keys to me taking some chances and finding my inspiration. Passion, especially, will never not be a part of my existence. In addition to passion, though, I find that I have good instincts (at least when it comes to my business life), so keeping on the forefront of my mind to remember to follow my heart. Remembering my heart is certainly a way of being true to my soul, isn’t it?

But then, there is my tendency to become withdrawn and reclusive at times. Though I made decisions with courage in mind, there are always moments when I allow the fear to creep in. 2009 will be the year that I make a concerted focus of stepping away from fears and taking a chance. It was there that my third word for 2009 came to me, and that is spunk. If I keep the spunky part of myself in the foreground instead of the background, then getting past my fears, encourage me to take all the potential of the world and the lessons I learn, and head out into the world with a greater degree of assurances.

What about you? Do you have words to live by in 2009? Special goals or areas of focus for you life? Please, share with us. As for me, I hope you continue to stick with me to follow through this journey of my life as we experience 2009. I promise to update you on the songs in my heart, the thrill of taking risks as I retain my spunk, and the rewards of being constructive.

Three Little Words: A Status Report

As the close of 2008 approaches, I am beginning to look back at the progression of my life as well as look forward as to what I want to accomplish in 2009. Every fiber of my being believes that the words I chose this year to guide me was one of the most positive things I have ever done for myself. In moments of stress, I have only had to take a deep breath and go back to those guiding principals: Passion, Courage and Forgiveness. Since I’ve shared so much of my life through the digital pages of All Things Girl, I wanted to close out the year by talking about these words with you here – and how the choice of these words have truly enhanced the overall quality of not only my long term plans, but the joy I find in my day to day life.

“Passion is an amazing gift to give yourself.”

The person who hired me on my current project jokingly calls me “Polly” (after the classic Porter character Pollyanna). On average, no matter how rotten my day has been, I try to start the next day fresh. This hasn’t always been the case for me. I truly believe that keeping the word “passion” in the forefront of my brain has led me to continue to love the work that I do, which in turn leads me to overall finding something joyful about each day. I guess, for me, it’s easy to start fresh each morning when I can find something in the day to be passionate about. Passion is an amazing gift to give yourself.

My other two words, if you don’t remember, are courage and forgiveness. I put these together because as I realized last December, they go hand and hand. I can say that without a doubt, both courage and forgiveness have providing their gentle guiding influences. No matter how gentle the guiding, though, I’m struggling with forgiveness of myself. It isn’t that I’ve committed heinous acts that require self-flagellation, however, I do still tend to be incredibly hard on myself while being forgiving of others – but the judging is, at least, less harsh. Maybe it’s that Pollyannaish attitude of starting fresh and finding something positive each day. Or maybe it’s because I am embracing “courage” as I deal with the challenges that life has to offer. Dealing with oneself, by the way, can be one of the most challenging relationships we have. Actually dealing with oneself instead of floating through life without purpose is certainly rewarding.

But I digress as I was thinking about the acts of courage I have performed this year. I have expanded my business, explored new business opportunities, made new friends, embraced old friends, networked with strangers, and more. Courage has been present in not only my business world, by the way, but in my personal life as well. Besides the new friends I have been blessed with, there are also some relationships that were growing stale. I even said these words to a dear man-friend of mine as I we had been discussing why I had finally reached my limits on the status of our four-year relationship: “Passion and courage are two of my words this year. It took a lot of both for me to be this honest with you (about how I feel.) I love you. But I love me more.” The guilt is still there, by the way, for daring to be that selfish, but I’ve already begun to forgive myself for allowing the relationship to get to that point. That, my friends, is truly something in the ways of finding peace.

I can say that I do get up each morning happily embrace each day. Life is about passion. Forgiveness is a good friend to have. And courage will lead you into places you never dreamed about. I haven’t yet decided what I will choose in 2009 to guide me, but I know that choosing positive guidance is truly the best way to roll, at least for me. (Your mileage may vary. Taxes not included….)

(Photo: Lorissa Shepstone)

Outside In

One of the quotes on my vision board is “Do Something that Scares You,” so last month I did just that. I invested money into the branding of my business and gave a fresh face to the on-line projects that are important to me.

I had professional portraits made.

In the age of digital cameras and the accompanying instant gratification of snapping a photo that can be shared moments later with friends around the world, I chose to take a slower route: I spent time in a real photo studio with a professional photographer. I love casual photos – truly – but I am also a business woman who owns her own company. In recent months, I have come to realize that the image I portray to my clients (or potential clients) is a direct reflection of the success of my business. Though I don’t currently display my photo on my professional site, it doesn’t mean that a Google search of my name doesn’t turn up photos at All Things Girl or on social networking sites. While I love the various photos I use in those places, most of them are casual shots, cropped from other pictures, often of times when I was out with friends. The business part of my world is all about being polished and professional while keeping alive the vibrant, fun, and passionate sides of my personality.

With the help of both research and recommendations, I chose DC-based Julie Woodford as my photographer and she, in turn, helped me find Riley Knoxx to assist me with make-up for my photo shoot. (Though I am comfortable doing my own make-up, I knew that I didn’t have the skill to apply make-up that would stand up to studio lights.) Two hours of studio time and four wardrobe changes led to more than 500 photos. Fortunately, Julie’s assistant narrowed the finished photos down to fewer than 60, and my job was to narrow that down further, to a total of 20 or 30 that would then be edited. Thank goodness for my friends, who volunteered to look at them!

Overall, I was very pleased. The photos were good. Looking at them was harder than I expected, though. Some of the photos didn’t seem to look like me and others seemed to show me in a much better light than I saw myself. I had trouble deciding. I asked the photographer for her thoughts and shared my indecision. She is very wise, and said to me, “I understand the psychology of looking at one’s own photo. It is a strange reflection upon oneself and it’s very common for a lot of people to not accept themselves in a photo even though I or others may love it.” Her words were the push I needed to finally jump in and make my final selection.

The whole experience – and the resulting zip file of 20 hi-res photos of myself – made me think about where I was in my life. If the photos were to be a representation of me as a business woman as well as me as a writer, how did I want others to see me? More importantly, I realized, how do I see myself? I made the investment for the outside world, but by looking at myself from that outside-in view, I gained additional perspective.

How do I see myself? Professionally, I am very content, though I know there is still growth potential in my business. Personally, I feel that there are areas of my life which can be improved upon.

I’ve always believed that if we want to change something about ourselves badly enough, it is completely possible. Of course, there are areas of my life I’d love to improve upon, but there are also core pieces of myself that I have no desire to change. I don’t want to lose my zest for life or the passionate part of my personality. I love that I wake up most mornings willing to start fresh and put the previous day behind me. I want to learn from all my experiences, but never let the harder lessons jade me into believing the worst of others.

I do feel that I have made strides in my journey, one that has been chronicled here for the last four years. I’ve learned to ask myself important questions: Can the experience and the outcome of investing in myself assist me in this journey? Will they guide me toward a better understanding of who I am and what I want?

I look at the photos and I wonder if I know the woman gazing back at me or if I have only scratched the surface of who she is.

(Photo by Julie Woodford)