I'll be honest. I’ve been a bit of a bitch lately. Parts of November saw me more withdrawn from the world than I’ve been in almost a year. Now that is hard to admit, let me tell ya…
I don’t like admitting that I’m having a rough time. Remember, I'm the girl who likes to keep it together. I am methodical and forthright most of the time - and keep my feelings and emotions to myself. But lately, my ability to do that seems to be broken. I told a close friend of mine that I was broken and he told me that it was ok… that I could be fixed….
So, well, broken may be exaggerating just a little. Maybe bent is a better way to put it. That's it. My life is just too bent.
I've had entirely too much on my mind lately. I should qualify that by saying that I always have a million things on my mind. It's a part of what makes me, well, me….what makes me tick. But lately, the million things have become complex mixes of the same old ideas with a mix of half finished thoughts and a variety of feelings.
My friends are important to me… and for a girl who has become more and more withdrawn, it’s a challenge to keep that thread of contact with friends. Nevertheless, I do my best to still be available for friends. There are times when I feel incredibly successful and times when I fail miserably. Most of the time, I feel I fall somewhere in the middle.
My closest friends know that something is not right, but when they ask me what is wrong, I find I simply cannot tell them. I do know the things that are weighing on my mind. What I am unable to do is verbalize - or even write about - those things.
One reason is trust. Friends are friends, but figuring out who I can trust enough to be burdened with these things is hard. Two, when I talk about everything, it makes me over emotional. Three, I'm have a bit of trouble putting my arms around all the pieces.
So, when a chance came to hop a plane for a weekend trip, I did something out of my ordinary and just went for it. It was funny - a bargain trip based on a whim - the chance to see a guy I've dated mostly off but occasionally on over the last eleven months. And when he told me that he didn't know if his schedule would clear, I debated. Then I talked to a girlfriend who reminded me of a couple of things: sometimes you are your own best company. And there is always Plan B. So, I decided to go. I know he thought I was a little crazy – he told me it would be boring - but I told him honestly that I had so much on my mind these days, that a change of scenery would do me good.
I was told that sometimes there is no better way to clear your mind than to simply look out the window of an airplane and watch the patchwork below and the expanse of blue sky. And let me tell you, she was so very right. I felt my mind beginning to loosen a bit as I gazed out the window on my flight to my desitination. When I got there, I visited with some friends – and most importantly took some extended “me” time. I read, had room service, slept in, swam, wrote… and played. The change in atmosphere truly was a good thing as it reminded me that sometimes you simply have to live in the moment.
See, many of my worries melted away, and many of the problems seemed less worrisome. Of course, some of them didn't diminish at all. No, my weekend away didn't fix everything, but it did give me a fresh look. And right now, having a fresh look at where I am in life was all I needed to take some of the kinks out of my over bent life.