I said a final good-bye to an old friend today.
I knew it was coming, at least my mind did. But my heart had told me that I needed to give it one more try – one more little push of contact to see if she was finally done with me – or simply needed the contact to attempt an awkward re-start of conversations and random ruminations.
She had indeed moved on. Moved to more fulfilling friendships. Away from any relationship that could be at all toxic. And while I applaud the reasoning behind it, it doesn’t mean that it makes my heart ache any less. I, myself, have cut ties to relationships, following the advice of my simplification journal of “If you are constantly put down or let down, it’s time to say goodbye”.
Friendships are a funny thing. They are meant to bring us joy and laughter, but often bring us tears and pain. I hate the part of myself that caused the pain that resulted in the end. I know that I am a very flawed person, and this friend endured the full brunt of my neurosis and all of the whining about how terrible things were in my life. And if I look at myself honestly, I moved from being a good friend who could balance the need of both members of the friendship, to a soul-sucking (and selfish) nitwit. In my only defense, it was during a period of my life that can only be described as the absolute worst, but in her defense, who wants to deal with that on a daily basis – especially when you have your own problems.
My reply to the “I moved on” was “I just wanted a kiss off or a how are you”. After I hit “send”, I debated if I had been too quick to respond or hateful in my words, and I can hope that I wasn’t. I was, in a word, honest. It’s something that is hard, at times – the honesty when a few flowery words can cover the ugliness of the facts. It feels as if you are going against the grain, but if you cover up the truth to others, the sad fact is you are often lying not to them, but yourself.
Yeah. I simply wanted an answer for my heart as well as my head.
So, it’s an event that is filled with sadness. But if I look at the water in the glass instead of the empty space, I can see I finally got an answer that allowed me to move on and end that chapter. Sometimes, moving on is what allows the greatest growth and eventually gives us our greatest joy. Now I need to simply apply what I’ve learned and use it to cause changes in myself. If I don’t, I’ll be doomed to repeat. I don’t need more heartbreak in my life. I don’t want to be the kind of person that always caused heartbreak for others.
I just hope I can make the changes I need to make within myself to not be that kind of person anymore.