The older I get, the more I learn that I certainly have room to grow. By growth, I don’t mean physically – God knows I could stand to shrink in a few places. I’m talking about mental, spiritual and emotional growth. Friends are a great resource for this kind of growth. In everyday conversations, a simple sentence can guide you to a new path. Sometimes a news article starts a spark. And bookstores are over run with self-improvement books, especially in the first part of the year when resolutions are high on people’s lists.
In a book I was reading about increasing physical energy, one chapter stood out. It was entitled, simply “Forgive”. It encouraged you to let go of old hurts and anger, to move on. Not for the other person, but for yourself.
Forgiveness is a different animal for the psyche than remorse. I’m certainly remorseful over my many mistakes in my life, but there were some people I had cut out of my life because I couldn’t forgive their actions – or inactions. One of these people was my mother.
It was Christmas 2002. I’d been through some rough moments with my husband, the company I was working for was on the brink of survival, and I felt as if I’d been to hell and back when it came to dealing with my two daughters and their schools. The Christmas gathering at my parent’s home was filled with conversations around the kitchen table. I wanted to talk to my father about business and to my mother about the kids. Every time I began to speak, my mother changed the subject away from my worries and to her current obsession: hockey.
More than 700 days later, the feeling that a hockey player’s injury in a game was more important to my mother than her grandchildren was devastating to my psyche. For my own sanity, I made the only decision I felt I could at the time: I cut all contact with my parents as well as my sister. And for many months, I heard nothing from them. My feelings of not being important to them were strengthened by this lack of contact – and in my mind – lack of caring.
And then in mid-November (2004) – almost two years later – came a phone call from my sister. She didn’t push me to reconnect with our parents, but simply made the effort to see if we (my sister and I) could rebuild a relationship. She confessed to learning some lessons in the past few years. I gave her permission to tell our mother about the many changes in my life since I’d last seen them: the upcoming divorce, a hysterectomy, a job lay-off and the beginning of my own business.
A week or two later I broached the subject of contacting my parents to my oldest daughter – a move of contact would involve my children as well as myself. They’d seen many changes in their lives with the divorce and deserved an opportunity to express an opinion. She sighed, shook her head and uttered unexpectedly wise words for a thirteen year old: “Well, no matter what, she is your mother.”
A few days later, I made a phone call and agreed to meet my parents for dinner. And it was ok. Neither of us brought up the reasons for the split in our relationship. I’m not sure about her mental processes on the situataion, but for my own, I simply let go. I decided to simply move on – and forgive.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." (Ghandi)
It’s truly a moment of personal growth. I won’t allow my self to become a doormat again with my mother. There are subjects on which we’ll never agree upon. But I can certainly give her an opportunity to share in my life and the lives of her grandchildren. And I’m thankful that my father is no longer in the middle of a battle that wasn’t his.
We all make mistakes and I cut my mother out of my life as the only way to find some peace in a relationship. But forgiving and letting my mind and heart move on brought me to a different peace.
The biggest difference is in the lightness of my soul. It’s amazing how allowing my soul to have peace brings me to a different place…