I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life. As a writer, I am often too self-critical – and self-analytical. At times, I think I simply think way too much. And when I’m thinking, it seems to come down to four letter words.
My top priority in life is a four letter word: Kids. Everything I do and think of doing can someway impact my kids. I do my best to parent, with the help of my ex-husband – and worry that I fail in places. But overall, my kids are good… but ever present in every decision I make… I certainly move forward with my life and go out and have fun, but always in the forefront of my mind are the words of my kids’ psychologist: it would be better on them if I didn’t re-marry anytime soon. My kids are not so good at dealing with change...
So then it comes to another four letter word and that is love. It seems as if no matter how wonderful the people in my life are, I am reluctant to fall in love. It’s a battle sometimes – to resist the charm of a nice man. But so far, I’ve been able to.
And here is where the self-analytical part of me comes in and I laugh at the absurdity of myself – and my life.
See, I care. There we have it, another of those pesky four letter words: Care.
I care deeply about the people in my life. I care that they are getting a little of what they want out of life. I care that they are safe. I care that they are happy. I have been told by my friends that I am a very caring person. But when it comes down to me, I’m not so good about allowing others to care for me.
It’s silly if you think about it. My ability to lavish love on those I care about yet rarely allow the reverse. But if I dig deep enough, I have to admit that other four letter words surface when I think about allowing others to care for me.
Fear.
Hurt.
Only recently have I been able to admit to myself – and my closest friends – that fear keeps me from letting down my walls enough to allow someone in enough to care for me. And the fear boils down to being afraid of being hurt. I’ve realized that very few people see all sides of me – and with my ability to hide pieces of myself, I have become very good at protecting myself. And convincing men that I have dated that I simply do not want more.
Damn, there we arrive again at another four letter word: more.
I’ve asked a close friend if I care too much and was told that I should never
give that up for anyone. And then I confessed that if I gave that side of myself
up, it wouldn’t be for anyone other than me.
But sometimes… I think I’ve gone a little too far. There are moments when I want
a piece of that “more”. To let go of the fear, not worry about being hurt – and
simply allow myself to fall in love again…
And it isn’t long before I come back to my senses and realize that for now, I’m good with where I am. Mark my words, I will continue to have fun in my life. I will give my time and attention to my work (another four letter word). Spend some time with my kids. And I will continue to care about those people who make my life richer just for knowing them.
Maybe I simply need to get away from all these four letter words that pepper my thoughts. I should think about the other things in life that bring pleasure.
Like PIE (three letters).
Maybe this weekend is a good time to go back to my roots and make my "Grandmother’s Chocolate Pie.”
Nope, not a single three letter word in that whole phrase… and pie is so much easier to digest than all these thoughts of love…