It tends to come and go at moments when I least expect it….at moments when it is quiet around me – and I am alone driving…..or in the middle of a crowd queuing up to gain entry to some place I must go to. It’s emotional in many ways…and I feel like a child who can’t control her impulsive urges….and it’s animalistic in some ways….coursing through the length of my body….exiting usually through the tips of my fingers as I send off a frantic text message – or dial a familiar number.
It’s the overwhelming desire to simply run away.
Back in November, I thought I could run away to someone and it would make it all better. In my unbalanced, crazy life, I decided that I was needing physical comfort and turned to an old friend (the frantic text messages). My mind told me that if I could just escape for twenty-four hours, it would all be ok. I needed to share some laughter…. satisfy the longing for moments of pleasure….and experience the inexplicable feeling of safety as his arm became a weight across my waist and fingers curled around a breast. I thought I needed the soft sounds of light snores and his breathing as I begin to drift to sleep in order to calm the panic. We finagled schedules to close the 800 miles between us on two separate occasions that month…but after these base desires had been fulfilled, I came to realize I was needing something beyond the wants of physical comfort another person could provide to me.
Though I tried to deny it, I was continuing to have these tiny panic attacks that were sending me to flight mode. They would come upon me quickly…my palms would sweat…my breathing would suddenly become caught in my throat….and my heart would pound. Being the control freak that I have become over the last few years since my divorce, I would force the feelings away and go about whatever it was I was doing before it started. Needing to keep the illusion of control in place, I shielded my writings from these thoughts and only confided in Lee.
Maybe if I didn’t write about it or talk about it much, it would go away.
When I was home, I would go into my office and gaze at my vision board and refocus my mind a bit. I worked my way through the holidays, faced a new year with renewed sense of focus, and allowed the moments of panic – my desire to run – to be further soothed by reminding myself that I had the courage within me to make it through….and I would find it possible to forgive myself for my perceived weaknesses.
However, I was forgetting my other word for 2008: Passion. I should be working to live, not living to work.
My life is constantly moving. I am compelled to live my life at 100 miles per hour and I am happiest when I fill my time with work and words. I love my work, but have realized in the past week, that one particular person at work is toxic and always finds a way to make me feel terrible about myself. I realized that I had stumbled into a situation that made me feel like I did when I was married: that nothing I did was ever good enough. I had been unable to escape that feeling, and putting two-and-two together, it came to me that I wasn’t going to be able to truly get control of the panic attacks and the desire to flee until I pulled my proverbial shit together.
But in order to do that, I needed the time and space to think clearly: to wander a few hours without the pressure of having to be at location x by time y. I had been unable to think at night after work, as I had been too stressed. When I was home, I became lost in the activities of need such as laundry and grocery shopping. Part of the instinct to flee was because deep down, my soul knew that I needed to put myself in an environment where I felt safe, felt no pressure of time, and find pleasure in the simple tasks of breathing and walking.
I called Lee on a Thursday afternoon, once again in tears. I was watching myself self-destruct and that morning, had been unable to control the panic. I told her that I was going to fix this. A few weeks previously, I had escaped to Richmond VA and in the next week had scheduled a trip to the Caribbean to spend a few days on the beach. I knew, however, that in order to be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the smell of the ocean , I needed to stop panicking and act. I hopped on American Airlines website, shopped last minute packages, and less than twenty-four hours later was on a Friday morning flight to Washington DC: I was running away from home.
En flight, I read a book, sipped on coffee and didn’t allow the cranky passenger next to me to detract from my feelings of calm. Besides, karma being what it is, the universe made itself loud and clear: the karmic payback for knocking a little girl off balance, yelling at me for trying to assist him, and rude behavior towards the flight attendant was the spilling of an entire cup of coffee on his khaki colored pants. I wasn’t the only one who smiled to myself, by the way. The couple behind me mentioned it as they, too, had been concerned over his combative attitude and rude behaviors.
When I landed, I retrieved my luggage and headed out to a favorite hotel. It had been a regular source of bed and breakfast over many trips to DC over the last two years. When I stepped into the lobby, the front desk manager ran from behind the counter, kissed me on both cheeks, and embraced me. My favorite shuttle driver dropped the mail in his hands in order to grasp my hands, shake them and tell me how happy he was to see me. I told them I had missed them – and had missed DC – and had decided to run away from home for the weekend. Within moments, I found myself upgraded to the Presidential Suite….and told to enjoy my weekend. I began to feel a weight lifted from my heart as I settled into my room. I spend so much of my time tending to the needs of others that I had neglected many of my own needs. The kindness I was being showed reminded me that the small things I have done over the past two years did matter to others. It is nothing to speak kindly, bestow smiles, or profess thanks for held doors and rides to the metro station. These acts of simple courtesy were appreciated. As I settled into the living room larger than my office, i was shown twice that day that the karma I believe in does exist within the world.
I exited the hotel. It was 11 AM and I had no plans until 7 PM. It was amazing to feel the sun on my face and I relished the cool wind blowing the curls of my hair around my neck as it snaked underneath the hat I had thrust upon my head. I breathed in the beautiful monuments to the founding fathers as I gazed upon the obelisk that is the Washington Monument as well as the beautiful columns of the Lincoln Memorial. I bowed my head in silent prayer as I placed flowers on a grave at Arlington National Cemetery. I grabbed a cab and had a late lunch of the best burger and fries in the world (5 Guys) and then walked the ten blocks to the metro station, bought a ticket and hopped on the train. Then, I window shopped at the Pentagon City Mall.
I had decided to meet a friend for drinks that evening, and as we sat and chatted, he looked at me and said: “something is different about you tonight.” I laughed and told him I didn’t know what it was, but I felt marvelous. He said “I know what it is.” he paused. I leaned forward to await his next words. “You’re glowing. And you are relaxed. I haven’t seen you this relaxed since sometime this past summer.”
It was then that it really hit me: I needed to follow my instincts and remember the things I am passionate about. Beyond words and work, I am passionate about people and traveling. Of all the 300-plus flights I have been on over the last three years….my favorite destination has always been Washington DC. Something about this historic city… the many memorials to those who have come before us…. brings me to the roots of the freedoms that I am afforded by being a citizen of the United States. Though I have never been able to pinpoint the reason, something about visiting this wonderful place centers my soul.
I fought against the demons of fear as I struggled over the writing of this piece here for All Things Girl. It is hard to admit to anyone the panic, the desire to run, the feelings of inadequacy, the fact that want and needs are often very different. I want to be seen as strong and independent and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But I am also reminded that through struggles, we find ways to improve the lives that we are living….and that we learn from the way others overcome and persevere. If I can help one person realize that they are not the only ones who have these moments of funk, then it is worth any embarrassment I have for being so bluntly honest.
A very wise woman who once lived in Washington DC for many years (First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt) said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I would never wish to make another feel inferior and I know that though I am not always responsible for how I am treated, I am responsible for how I react to any treatment. Love and kindness far outweigh stress. What you put out into the world truly does come back to you tenfold. It is what makes one small face memorable in a crowd of strangers.
I can’t promise that I will never again face a panic attack, but at least now I’ve come out of it and gone a full three days without a single one. I haven’t made a tearful phone call and I haven’t sent any frantic texts. It isn’t the full solution, however,it’s a beginning.
So that, my dear, is how Deb is beginning to get her groove back.