Inner Voices

originally published in "On a Girl's Mind" section of All Things Girl

(part of the Moving On" edition - September 2007)

 

I’ve started and re-started my column about ten times this month. It isn’t as if I don’t have anything to say I’m having one of those rare times when I start writing and stop with an “Oh my God. Do I really admit that publicly?”

I have been fairly open book when it comes to my life over the last three years here within the circuits of All Things Girl. I’ve talked about my divorce, dating, depression, parenting and so many other things. I’m willing to dig a little deeper at times…and talk about the swirling of emotions and the events that shape my world…the things that make me tick. I don’t think that anything I deal with in life is unique, in fact, I think that women in different stages of their lives go through many of the same things I have gone through – everyone just does it in different order.

About a year before my divorce, I had acomplete hysterectomy. I was only 35 , which is on the younger side for this procedure - a procedure that more than half a million women in the US have each year. My doctor had told me he wanted to try and save a portion of an ovary so that I wouldn’t have to deal with hormone replacement therapy, but theendometriosis was too advanced. Since my hysterectomy, I’ve been on estrogen pills, patches and a topical cream. I really was happy with the results of the cream.

I can say that the summer of 2007 has been especially trying. The dog days of summer are aptly named because let me tell you – I’ve been HOT! Seriously, I’ve been having hot flashes. I couldn’t sleep. I started gaining weight. And I had become all bitchy. Worst of all, I’ve been weepy. I absolutely hate being weepy.

I kept telling my inner voice to just shut up."

I had started becoming this person I didn’t like. I thought it was stress. I thought it was way too much work and too little time. After a couple of months of trying to hide what I thought was a dip into a mild depression, I finally opened up to a couple of friends. I admitted to a guy friend of mine that my sex drive was off and that I was afraid something was wrong with me. He assured me that I would be fine and that I likely just had a lot on my plate (and offered to thoroughly check me out when we met in September). I talked to a couple of girlfriends (or should I say I broke down in tears and cried to a couple of girlfriends?). I had been trying to pull myself together and all that time, my inner voice was telling me that something was WRONG with me.

I kept telling my inner voice to just shut up.

Then, I finally hit a wall. I spent an extra night on a business trip, returned home after catching a 6 AM flight, and called an my friend Lee - and I cried. She knows me better than almost anyone, and confirmed what my inner voice had been saying and urged me to get my hormones checked. I immediately called my doctor’s office.

After some blood work, the wonderful nurses at my doctors office asked me to come in for a consultation with the doctor. The bedside manner he had during my surgery hadn’t changed and he assured me that he would help me fix whatever seemed to be broken.

Sure enough, my hormones were low and my body wasn’t absorbing the estrogen. The stress in my life was adding to my feelings of helplessness. He suggested we try an injection of estrogen – and another brief visit in a month to evaluate how I’m feeling. Best of all, he assured me that I wasn’t losing my mind. He also assured me that the first thing to come back would be my libido – and a sense of calm once again.

He reminded me that far too many women tune out their inner voices. We should listen to ourselves.

I’m thinking the dog days of summer are going to blossom into a fabulous fall.

Fall means crisp breezes. Fall means the ends – and the beginnings – of life cycles. The kids are back in school, my business is becoming more scheduled and less chaotic. All Things Girl is on the verge of launching a re-design.

And this morning, I’m not feeling the least bit weepy.

It’s looking to be a fabulous fall indeed.

 

 

 © DSmouse 2007