In my November column (Four Letter Words), I talked about how four letter words had been peppering my thoughts – and in a way, messing with my head. Well, as much as I hate to admit it, four letter words are a part of every life – no matter how we try to avoid them – especially the scariest four letter word of all, and that is “love”.
Recently, I told one of my guy friends that I love him. Since my divorce fifteen months ago, it’s only the second time I’ve uttered those words to a member of the opposite sex. It tumbled out of me as I was trying to tell him that he was important to me – and that I cared a great deal for him. And the next morning I realized I had literally broken out in hives from the stress of saying those words out loud. Or were those hives an allergic reaction to some massage oil? Damn, at least I can laugh at myself.
It isn’t my feelings that scare me, but being open with my feelings does. Being open with my feelings allows me to be vulnerable, a position I swore almost a year ago that I would never put myself in. And being vulnerable scares the hell out of me. In addition to that whole “vulnerability” thing, there is the fear that my words could be taken the wrong way.
Were they simply words? Said without thought? No. First of all, “love” is not a word I throw around. Most importantly, I do love the man. But. I’m smart enough not to be in love with him (or anyone) right now. And there is a difference. It isn’t an “I love you and I cannot live without you” kind of statement, but more of a confirmation that I cared.
It’s funny. I mentioned there were two men I had said “I love you” to since my divorce, right? So. The other man – a guy I consider one of my closest friends – knew exactly what I meant the day “that’s why I love you” came out of my mouth in the middle of a conversation – and he didn’t read anything more into it. With him, it’s easy now. We end conversations at times with “love you” – and know – that though we date - it’s a love of friendship – not a romantic “in love” kind of love…and I’m so thankful to have that kind of love in my life…
Damn, for a girl who has a hard time with the word “love”, that’s a lot of love for one paragraph.
But the other guy? The man who recently heard that confession from my lips? Well, the jury is still out. But I think he gets it. Hopefully, it won’t change our relationship, other than to let him know I care. Because it doesn’t change things in my mind. I’ve always cared about him – just as I do my other friends – both male and female. I value his friendship. And I certainly don’t expect anything more from him than I already have.
But. Still. That word is out there. Love. And even if I wanted, I can’t take it back. Which, in all honesty, is both a good and a bad thing. And I think you all know what I mean by that.
No matter what happens, happens. It is what it is. I am, above all, honest with him about what is on my mind. I was just trying to be honest about how I feel. And yes, no matter how much I trust him, I admit that it does scare me to be that open and honest. The simple fact is, I like having him there, in my life. And it will break my heart if I lose him over four letters. But that is the risk I took.
And if I’m lucky… we’ll continue on as we are. We’ll see each other when we can (he lives in another state now) - and have fun when we do. And that four letter word won’t get in the way of our friendship.
But when I think of it, he’s lucky, too. To have another person out there that cares that much about him. Someone that cares enough to go out on a limb and risk losing something important: him in my life.
I think we're ok, but time will tell. You know me….I’ll keep you informed….