I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve described myself as conservative politically – but liberal in how I raise my children. I was recently reminded that there are parents out there that think very differently.
My oldest daughter celebrated her thirteenth birthday with a slumber party – inviting seven girlfriends. Listed amongst the “things to bring”? “Scary movies and movies to get over the scary movies with.” She has one friend (Miss A) whose mother is very particular about the movies she sees. The ratings are not the cue for Miss A’s mom, it’s the content; violence and suspense are ok; sex and language are not. Another friend (Miss M) could come if we made a promise of “no movies rated more than PG.”.
Have you ever tried to find a “scary” movie that is rated PG or G? Or a scary movie that doesn’t have hints of sex or a few curse words here and there? When she arrived at the party, I needed to clarify if she also meant “PG-13”. It did, but we went through a stack of movies and she “approved” some that were rated PG-13. Her issue: her daughter had seen “The Ring” at another party and she thought it was entirely too violent. She didn’t want her daughter exposed to violence or sex.
Of the six girls that accepted the invitation, two of the girls couldn’t sleep over. Even though the party was being held on a Friday night – and school didn’t start until the following Monday – the two mothers were concerned that their daughters would be tired on Monday (or worse, get sick!).
Please hear me out before you draw conclusions about whether I’m a “good” mother by my thoughts here. While a parent’s job is to take care of their children, I think it is more harmful to a child if you protect them too much. And in the case of girls, I think you do them an even greater disservice if you try to shelter them from more of the world than you would a boy. Women are so often victimized, and often vulnerable are the naïve and sheltered.
On the subject on not sleeping over, I can only say slumber parties are part of growing up. How will our children learn self-boundaries when they are home alone or finally away from us if we always keep the boundaries too tight? And what are we teaching our children if we don’t allow them to make simple decisions (when to go to bed) in a safe environment (a trusted friend’s home)? I can only shake my head at the logic.
But let’s look at some of the other issues this party brought to my mind….
When we look at the media these days, where do we find movies that are “clean” but interesting to thirteen-year-old girls? A few movies come to mind: Secondhand Lions, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Big Fish. But when I look at the ratings, each of these are rated PG-13. I was shocked. In a review of movies that we had seen as a family, and had loved for all of us (including my eight year old) the majority of them were rated above PG. Some of the best movies that teach us history and about life, such as We Were Soldiers, are rated R.
But look beyond the media, and you will discover that our children are faced with reality. In real life, people curse. The kids hear it on the playground and in the lunchroom. As for me, I’d rather my children hear these words while watching a movie with me, than hear them elsewhere – and possibly use them without understanding the meaning. I say this because it’s happened to us: the use of a slur (Lesbo) by my older daughter when she was in the fifth grade. It turns out another child called her that name, and she used it back at him. I had to clear up the meaning of it with her that afternoon, and though it lead to a great discussion on the topic of name-calling, I’d much rather have heard it in a movie and explained it than have taken a phone call from a teacher because she used it.
And when it comes to shielding our children from violence in movies, who are we kidding? We live in a violent world. We live in a world of drive-by shootings and beatings of teachers by students. We live in a world where children are killed by their mother and women are killed by their husbands. And what is bullying if not violence? By shielding children from the knowledge of how violent the world can be, we open them up to being shocked when they have to face a violent act (preferably second hand). I know there are critics that say children become desensitized by violent acts when they see it on TV, but are they truly desensitized or are they simply being educated? I’d much rather my children be aware of how scary the world is for then they are able to face their fears about the violence in a safe environment rather than when they are thrust into a frightening situation that is out of my reach.
As far as sex, anyone that says that a child can be shielded from all sexual innuendo in the world certainly needs to pop the bubble they are living inside. Commercials on TV are all about sex appeal. Studies show that children as young as sixth grade are sexually active; oral sex took place in a junior high classroom in a nearby district; a high school student was arrested for masturbating in class in our school district; and my daughter reported talks of an eighth grade girl taking a pregnancy test in a school bathroom. Now, I don’t go as far as finding it acceptable for my kids to watch sex acts in movies, I do know that the jokes, the innuendos, and sex terms are better discussed with me than discovered with a boy.
I know that children will make mistakes as they grow up. It’s what growing up is all about: making mistakes and learning from them. But I want my children to know what’s out there in the world so that they are at least informed and not out there making mistakes because they are in the process of rebelling.
So call me a liberal. Call me a bad mother. Call me what you wish. But I know that my children are being raised up to be educated and informed about the world around them. Knowledge is power while apron strings tied too tight can be strangling. They often know the “why” behind my “no” because they’ve been exposed to the realities of life, rather than always sheltered from it. And though they are not sheltered, there is a shelter to run to when they need it.
That shelter is home.