I swore to myself that I would not allow another issue of ATG to publishing without my column. But here I sit on June 29th at a lovely outside café enjoying a little Thai food (please forgive the lemon sauce) while the eighth or ninth draft of my July column winds its way from my head onto the paper. Each draft has had a bit of a different feel to it, as I’ve learned that (at least in this space) I do better to write a semi-complete piece at one sitting. I am a logical thinker but an emotional writer. And while I feel, at times, it brings a reader closer to what I am trying to say, it worries me that I may never complete any of the (several) novels that reside within the circuits of my computer. Just last night, I was looking at novel that has spoken the loudest to me over the last year, and even though I’m more than 60,000 words into it, it needs a lot of work.
It’s been ages since I’ve written (whined) about writers block, but yet, it’s a subject that has been haunting me for the last couple of months. I had planned to take a solid week to hide away at a friends’ cabin in a remote location with little cell phone access, but, instead, I attended meetings and signed a new contract. It was so appropriate, at least to me, that the ATG issue that was being worked on that evening was “Sacrifice”. Once again, I had sacrificed my desire to be a writer with the logic of putting my business first. If I had it to do again, I would choose my business.
I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am passionate about my business. My job, in all honesty, involves the daily use of words and more importantly, it involves the putting together puzzle pieces in an environment where folks are needing my help to do so. The ability to make my living doing something I truly love is priceless.
In this eighth (or is it ninth) draft of my column, I looked back to January, when I wrote about not choosing a resolution this year, but choosing three words to live by. I can say that, without a doubt, I am keeping the word “passion” at the forefront of each of my days. Though I may be suffering from writer’s block where my creative writing is concerned, when it comes to following my intent for my life that I laid out about nine months ago, I am on target. I am doing something I love. I am making choices for my career that have required that I call upon the courage that is deep inside of me, even though I have gotten a bit of grief from some of my friends and family.
Of my three words I chose as my guiding principals for 2008, I am doing well with two out of three (passion and courage), but I still struggle on a regular basis with the third, that being forgiveness. I don’t know how to not be so hard on myself. At times, I feel it’s very necessary. I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the desire for doing better without being too self-critical. I can tell you, though, that if I continue to work in my areas of courage, I think I will get to a space that is at least better. I didn’t choose what was easy, by the way, when I chose my three words for 2008, but what was right for me in my growth as a person.
My gut feel is that some of my writer’s block has been due to being afraid if my writing is good enough or worrying what people will think when they read what I have written. Like everything, it will come with time if I nurture the courage that is there inside myself and stop flagellating myself for my inability to get it down on paper. Maybe, like Breena Clarke said in our interview, I’m just in my woolgathering phase.
I turned forty in May and though I’m not old, I’m certainly older. I have seen changes in myself in the last decade and while the thirties were good to me, I have a gut feeling that my forties are going to be fabulous. We do grow wiser as we grow older and I have learned that the more I follow my heart in how I make my living, the more courageous I become. Forgiving myself for my own shortcomings will follow along if I allow it the space to grow.