Looking at Myself (through someone else's eyes)

originally published in "On a Girl's Mind" section of All Things Girl

(part of the "Heart & Soul" edition -  February 2005)

I was twenty-one and thought some boudoir photos would be a great anniversary gift for my husband of two years. I was working at a television station at the time, and one of the news photographers I worked with did them for me. I was so excited by the glossy photos in the white envelope passed to me. I wore a long silk and lace gown and they turned out the way I wanted: looking sexy in an innocent sort of way. And though he said he liked them, they stayed in the envelope they came in and eventually were lost.

It’s been 15 ½ years. I’ve had two children and gained sixty pounds since those photos. And now I’m divorced from the man the photos were done for.

I’d look in the mirror and didn’t know who the girl there was…Never mind, let’s be honest; I haven’t known who she was for years. I’ve been defined by society – and allowed myself to be defined by the roles I fill: wife, mother, employee… But with the changes in my life, I’ve stepped back and taken a hard look at who I had become – and realized that not only did I not know the girl in the mirror, I didn’t even like her! I didn’t like her body: I saw a woman who had let herself go – ballooning to a weight that hadn’t been seen since her pregnancy. She didn’t seem to mess much with make-up, her clothes, nor her hair – except when she was going to work. Where had her pride gone? But it was beyond the physical: her attitude was foul and her soul had become jaded. She had become a bitch to most of the people that crossed her path. No matter what she tried, she certainly didn’t like herself – so how could others like her?

But there was one thing: though I didn’t like my body, I was comfortable with it. Several years of theatre and the birth of two children left me in a position of not being shy about my state of dress or undress. If I was to begin to figure out who the girl in the mirror was, then I was going to have to take some steps to face her head-on. One thing that made some sense was to take a step back and look at myself: so I let a photographer come by a shoot a new series of boudoir shots.

This time, it wasn’t a stack of glossy photos I received, but a CD in a plain white envelope. The CD contained 161 photos shot over a time period of two hours. And at first glance of the files on the disk, I didn’t recognize the woman there. At first, I culled through the photos to “pull” the photos that I could study without too much frustration and reduced 161 photos down to less than 50. Then I sat back and begin to take a long hard look at myself. Though physically exposing, the photos were also an exposure down to my inner-self.

Then it was time to take another step: to share some of the photos with a trusted friend or two – and to discuss with Lorissa the possibility of using some of them within an article for All Things Girl. Though I was reluctant about sharing this much of myself…and though I worried what people might think, I wasn’t strong enough to do the analyzing alone.

This is a point where I can say how lucky I am to have such honest and caring friends. One friend was able to point things out to me that I never would have seen on my own – and I was left with the ability to look at the photos as if a stranger were posed there. The woman in the photos was more confident than the one I had seen in the mirror. The woman in the photos didn’t seem to seem to notice the fat, but enjoyed her womanly shape. The woman in the photos looked happy – and content with her life: feelings I hadn’t felt in more months than I care to count.

And believe it or not, becoming more comfortable with the outside package I was wrapped in is beginning to allow me the ability to unwrap the layers of things that keep my inner demons alive and well. The bitch began to recede a bit and the laughter comes a little easier.

I know I have some progress to make, but 2005 is going to be the year I take a step back and learn that I’m a good person to know and love. And I certainly deserve the love of one particular person: myself.