I had two moments in May that gave me a clear image of something I am longing for in my life: simplicity. There were fireflies under the moonlight. Simply laying there watching the fireflies and feeling the moon and air….And then there was dinner with a friend of a friend….when I was reminded that it is okay to have time where you just…be…and not have to worry about every single responsibility.
In looking back over my columns for the last few months, I’ve written about my inability to balance a personal life with a career. I don’t think I’m alone – in fact, I talk to other women who deal with the same struggles. But I’m also looking back at the column titles and see words like comfort, nurture, and passion contained there in black and white. And yet again, I sit here typing…trying hard to figure out how to put onto paper what is in my head – while remaining honest, true to myself.
Let me first assure you that I am happier than I was three and four years ago. My life is full of work that I love and I have some very amazing people in my life. I am so incredibly thankful.
But I am struggling to treat myself with the compassion I would give to a friend.
Four years ago, my marriage was in shambles and I found my ways to cope. And while I’ve told some friends here and there how…I’ve never really ‘fessed up here. I wasn’t really eating, to be honest. I was working full time and was at the gym daily. And while I know that exercise is a healthy habit, I was really overdoing it a bit. Oh, and let’s not forget that I was drinking daily, too. I laugh a bit at it now, when I struggle with my weight. I would love to be as thin as I was the year prior to my hysterectomy – I had gotten down to a size 6. My trainer told me I was too thin for my frame. (Don’t worry, I fixed that. I’m a healthy 10-12 who wants to be an 8-10)
I was so intent on controlling calories that I was sticking to under 1200 calories a day. However, because I was also using alcohol as a coping tool – and counting those calories – I simply wasn’t eating much beyond egg whites and grilled fish. The one friend I told during that time about my eating pointed out to me that I was so intent on controlling food because it was the only thing I could control.
I cannot be that self destructive again.
So, I am searching for ways to cope with my stress – and trying to make sure that I don’t fall back into self-destructive habits…even though they would be much easier to use the crutches I’ve used before rather than simply dealing.
I have to say, I am so hard on myself. I am unable to forgive myself for mistakes I’ve made, yet I find it impossible to not forgive those people that I love.
I’m exercising again to deal with my stress. It’s coming mostly in the form of weight lifting, though I know a little bit of cardio here and there would be good for me. Lifting weights puts me in the hands of my trainer, a man who has know me for more than 8 years – and treats me much kinder than I treat myself. He pushes me to excel and applauds the progress I am making – whereas I have more of a tendency to be critical of the weight I am still carrying around my middle.
I am throwing myself into work. I had wrapped a couple of contracts this year and I will begin seeking at least one more contract to supplement the project that has become my main priority. I’m also spending more time on All Things Girl as we begin to plan a re-design/re-vamp. Progress in my work – both my job and this magazine - makes me smile – and gives me the satisfaction of contributing what I can to the success of a group.
When it comes to balance, I think I’m going to stop trying to balance for the time being. The three parts of myself – work, family, and personal – will simply have to remain off-kilter with work and family getting the biggest chunks of me. I know I will be ready to give it a try again soon, but for now, I think I’m going to nix trying to have a personal life beyond the time I spend with some of my girlfriends. When it comes toeven my quasi-datingI am so tired that, for the time being….I am crying uncle.
I decided to cut back on contact – for the time being – with one ofmy closest guy friends. (You know him if you’ve been reading my column. )
The last time we spent some time together, I could feel his distraction. While he was physically in the room with me, emotionally he wasn’t. Passion and nurture are parts of my personal vocabulary because those are things I bring to relationships, especially to this one. Comfort was something he always brought to me, and to be honest, it was the purpose of my visit – to hang out with him on the day my ex-husband re-married. Mindlessness is not a word I like in my personal vocabulary...yet I felt his mindless acceptance of my nurturing...and his passive, rather than passionate, focus. So, for now, I have decided to listen to my head, rather than my heart. My soul is entirely too tender, I need to step away.
By the way, I am a realist. I see that I'm making emotional decisions during the time of a full moon. I know that I will miss his texts and the occasional visits we have. Once again, I will cave and ask him how he is, because he matters. Above all, he will always be my friend. Just for now....he is simply going to have to be a friend that's out there, not a friend I have regular contact with.
The need for some simplicity, for now, means this is the smartest thing I can do. It sure does hurt my heart to be so smart.
I am working on the forgiveness part, but mistakes I've made still weigh on my heart. But I am treating myself more kindly than I have in the past, in that I am not allowing myself to slip back into self-destructive behaviors. My children bring me joy and humor. My friends remind me that I am truly loved. And there is work. Work, I’m remembering, especially my writing, is a whole other level of comfort.
Maybe…just maybe..having balance in my life isn’t necessary in this moment and time. I still have the memories of fireflies…the times when I am allowed to be myself.
I find satisfaction with black letters on my computer screen and progress towards growth of my work projects - and my love for this magazine. And I find comfort in my daily life: sharing sushi with my daughter or going out for late night ice cream with friends.
And there is nothing like the comfort I find in the smell of rain on wet concrete.